Your Guardian Angel
by Casteline
Summary: Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness. And not all stories have a happy ending. Kinda SSSB slash


_**Title:** Your Guardian Angel_

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. Obviously. I aslo don't own the song, Red Jumpsuit Appartus does._

_**Warning:** Slash-ish._

_**Authors note:** This has been swimming around in my head for months, then I fimally wrote it down for a challenge, and now here it is._

_Oh yeah, its a songfic!_

_**

* * *

Your Guardian Angel**_

I hate him.

I absolutely hate him.

More than I've ever hated anyone in my life. Which really is saying something because I have a lot of hate to go around.

But I_ really _hate him.

And it should have been me.

I should have been the one to kill him.

Not B_ella._

What did he ever do to make her hate him?

Sure, he was a disappointment to the family.

And, yeah, he was totally against everything she stood for.

But that doesn't compare to what he did to me.

Not even close.

_**When I see your smile  
**__**Tears run down my face I can't replace  
**__**And now that I'm stronger I've figured out  
**__**How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul  
**__**And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one **_

Why are there so many goddamn pictures of him in this damn house? There everywhere.

It's like they worship the damn mutt.

And why does he have to be grinning in all of them?

"Goddamn you!" I scream, knocking over several of the images of Black.

"Severus?" Mrs. Weasley asks, sticking her head out of the kitchen, and looking down the hall at me.

"Sorry," I mutter, walking away, leaving the mess of glass lying there.

"Filthy, blood traitors, Mudbloods, vermin--"

"Shut up you old hag," I say as I pass the portrait of Mrs. Black.

"Don't you tell me what to do boy— what was that for?!"

I kicked her.

"How dare the blood traitor harm mistress…?" Kreature hissed, cleaning the footprint off her frame. "Ahh!"

Yeah, I kicked him too.

Ignoring the elf, I walk through the open door and into the study.

The room is empty.

Good. I don't want to deal with any of the little weasels.

And so my search begins…

--

"Harry!" I hear someone shout from downstairs.

Great, the little twerp is back.

I look out over the balcony of the study. From here, I can see everything that happens downstairs.

"Harry!" Granger shouts again, running over and hugging him.

I roll my eyes and turn to the window. It had been raining all afternoon and water droplets ran quickly down the window.

'You were looking for something,' I remind myself. I turn back to the numerous bookcases and continue my quest.

--

"Professor?" a voice from behind me calls.

"What?" I say, turning to the blonde. "Oh, hello Lovegood."

"Good afternoon sir," she replies. "Mrs. Weasley wanted me to bring this up to you. She doesn't know what you're doing, but she recons you won't be down for a while. She doesn't want you to starve."

"How thoughtful," I say, my voice, no doubt, dripping with sarcasm.

"Well, I'll just leave it here for you," she says, smiling. "What are you working on anyways?" she leans over to look at the title of the book in my hands. "The Magick's of DaHeryu. What could you possibly be – No. You couldn't be--"

And right then I was reminded of why she is the one student I can stand. Maybe even like.

"Sir, if I may ask… Why?"

"Because I have to," I say after a moment.

"It's dangerous sir, you know that don't you?" she says, sitting down across from me.

That's what I like about her. She isn't afraid of me. And she speaks her mind.

"I know," I say.

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven **_

"Then let me help you at least," she says. "And don't even try to kick me out. I am helping you and you have no choice."

I want to throw her out. She should have no part in this. It's bad enough I do.

"Fine," I say. She grins.

"Where do we start?"

--

"So…" she begins. We've been working for an hour or so, mostly in silence. Every once in a while, she starts to hum a little tune.

"What?" I ask.

"You knew my mum, didn't you?" she asks.

"Yes. Why?"

"No reason. I just remember she used to talk about her old friends. I'm just wondering which one you were…"

"What, she didn't tell you my name?"

"No. She used nicknames for everyone. I'm not really sure why… I guess that's just the way she was," she shrugged. "Now, I know that Sirius was Snuffles… and based on that and some observations… I'd have to guess that you were Prince. I'm hoping not the singer…"

Her grin fades when she sees my face.

"Sorry sir, I probably shouldn't have said anything."

"Its okay, it just brings back a lot of memories." I had been… content the entire time we had been working. And when I say working, I mostly mean flipping through various books trying to translate The Magick's of DaHeryu. It was written in about 50 different languages, each of which was dead and mostly forgotten, or dead and, well, _dead. _DaHeryu was an ancient sorcerer (and when I say ancient, I mean, thousands of years before the Founders), who didn't want anyone uncovering his magical secrets. Half the languages in the book are either so long forgotten that only fragments remain or never existed in the first place.

But now I was overwhelmed.

Not by anger, as one would expect, toward the girl who was just trying to help.

No. By hatred. Pure, loathing hatred toward _Snuffles_.

I think I'd be lying if I said that was all though.

But I immediately push the feeling of sadness away.

--

FLASHBACK

"_Who wants to see me take Snivelly's underpants off?" James Potter taunted, everyone around him laughing. I was hanging upside down in the air._

_I screamed a string of swear words at him, at which point he only laughed._

_No, this wasn't the first time it happened._

_And it sure as hell wouldn't be the last. _

END FLASHBACK

_--_

"What's wrong professor?" she asks. "It's something I said isn't it. People are always telling me I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut--"

"It's fine. It's nothing. Could you find the book on foreign herbs and spices?"

"What for?" she asked, getting up to find it.

"Because I have absolutely no idea what _Voulwart_ is," I say. It's quite strange indeed. I have never even heard of it.

I look up to see Lovegood grinning at me.

"What?" I ask.

"You're not going to find it in there," she says.

"How do you know?"

"It's not foreign. In fact, this is one of the few places it can be found. Of course, it's very rare"

"You mean like basilisk venom rare or gnargles rare?"

"Gnargles aren't rare silly," she shook her head.

_Silly?_

"Have you ever seen what happens when you breed a Thestral and a Hippogriff?"

"No. Though I can imagine it's rather interesting."

"Oh it is. They're called Tryffs. Of course, it has a tendency to disappear…"

"Naturally."

"Voulwart is the blood of a Tryff. It's really hard to come by…"

"So where are we going to find some?"

"Downstairs in the kitchen. I saw some when we were cleaning last week."

"Of course."

"I'll go get it. Assuming Kreature hasn't run off with it…"

"Go," I say. She skips out of the room and down the stairs.

I walk over to the balcony and look into the kitchen.

"Where've you been?" Potter asked and she hopped into the kitchen.

"Yeah, mum sent you up there, like what, an hour ago," Weasley (the youngest boy) said. "We thought you might have died."

"Be nice," Lupin warned, not looking up from the paper he was reading.

"Nope," she says, dragging a chair away from the table and over to the counter. She stood on it and began to sift through all the stuff in one of the higher cabinets. "I'm helping him with a potion."

Potter, four Weasley's (Potters friend, Potters girlfriend, and the troublesome twosome), and Granger looked at her dumbfounded.

"You mind reminding him that I need more wolfsbane?" Lupin says, completely oblivious.

"No problem. Ah," she said, pulling a bottle of green liquid out.

--

"Done," I say, filling a vial up with the purple potion. "Wish me luck."

"I coming with you," she says.

"No you're not," I reply.

"Yes I am. Have I pointed out how dangerous this could be?"

"That's the argument you're going with? Seriously?"

"Do you know how many people have attempted this?"

"A lot."

"And do you know how many have succeeded?"

"A lot less."

"Try one. And she didn't make it back alive."

"This time will be different. Hopefully."

"You mean hopefully you won't die?"

"Exactly."

_**It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.  
**__**Seasons are changing  
**__**And waves are crashing  
**__**And stars are falling all for us  
**__**Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
**__**I can show you I'll be the one **_

"You're going to get yourself killed."

"Probably."

"Just making sure you realize that."

"I do. That's the third time you've said it."

"I'm still coming with you."

"No you're not. You'll get yourself killed. Besides, you're the only person I know that can make decent wolfsbane for Lupin."

"Good point. Good luck," she smiles and skips out of the room.

That girl is _strange_.

--

"This is insane," I say to no one in particular. I pull the vial out of my pocket. "Absolutely, completely insane. And I hope you know that the only reason I'm doing this is so I can kill you."

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven **_

I open the vial and pour it into my mouth. I shutter as the burning liquid rushes down my throat.

"I really hate you and I hope your death is worth all this." I close my eyes and step into the archway.

It's the strangest sensation. Its similar to apperating: painful, but not at the same time. I can't see anything. Just blackness. No. Not even black. Just nothing. I can't breathe and I feel very close to puking.

And then it ends.

I'm lying on the ground, in the middle of nowhere.

And I mean nowhere. I stand up and look around.

There is nothing. Nothing but a thick fog that keeps me from seeing anything more than a foot away.

"Where am I," I ask. Of course, I don't expect an answer. After all, as far as I know, I am alone.

"You are in the Summerland," a female voice replies. Her voice echo's all around me, making it impossible to tell where she is.

"The what?" I ask, turning in circles trying to find her.

"The Summerland," she says, stepping out in front of me. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Long white hair, pale skin, a white, tattered dress that drags the round and white lace gloves that reach up to her elbows. The only color she seems to have is he glowing blue eyes.

"You're people don't seem to have a name for it. You see," she says. "It is heaven, hell, and limbo. Only, no such places exist. There is only the Summerland."

"Who are you?"

"Names have no meaning here," she says. "However, I am known as the Gatekeeper. Sadly, some travelers have taken to calling me Saint Peter."

"Why is it so dark here? I can't see anything."

"The Summerland is only what you make of it. What you see is a representation of your journey. While you see darkness, symbolizing the quest you have yet to fulfill, I see blinding white light. My journey has ended long ago. My destiny is to forever guard these gates."

"How long have you been here?"

"Well, time is relative here, but on the outside, I supposed… about seven years. Feels like much longer. But I will be here forever. Until the end of time. Which, I guess isn't so long if you think about it."

"The person I came here to find…"

"As I said," she interrupts. "Time is relative. While on the outside he may have been only gone for… how long did you say dear?"

"Three months."

"Three months," she repeated. "To him, it may have been only a few days. It also could have been a hundred years."

'_**Cause you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart  
**__**Please don't throw that away  
**_'_**Cause I'm here for you  
**__**Please don't walk away,  
**__**Please tell me you'll stay, stay **_

--

FLASHBACK

"_Hey," a voice says, entering the room and walking up behind me. "What's wrong?" he then asks._

"_Nothing," I say._

"_I know you. I know there is something bothering you."_

"_And yet, you don't have the brainpower to figure out what."_

"_You're mad at me," he says._

"_No. Duh."_

"_I'm sorry about what happened today."_

"_No your not. If you were, you would have stopped him."_

"_I know. I should have--"_

"_But you didn't."_

"_I wanted to--"_

"_That's not the point. It's obvious this isn't real. It's just a joke to you."_

"_No!"_

"_Yes it is. You say you love me, then you go out and laugh just like everybody else. Goodbye," I say, heading for the door. I know I can't hide the tears that are threatening to fall, and I don't try._

"_Fine then," he says, voice shaking. "I'll tell them. I'll tell them first thing in the morning. Just please don't leave."_

"_You say that, but you won't. You've said it before. This time isn't any different."_

"_Yes it is!" he shouts._

"_How? How is this any different?" I say, turning to face him._

"_You've never threatened to leave before," he says, walking closer._

"_You'll really tell them?"_

_He doesn't answer. Instead he latches himself onto me and kisses me senseless._

_And he did tell them. The very next morning. I don't think I had ever seen a fight between him and Potter. Not until then._

_END FLASHBACK_

--

"Can I bring him back?" I ask.

"Maybe. Only one has ever done it, and as you may know, she didn't make it back herself."

"I know. I'll make it back."

"Confidence. That may help on your journey."

"Where do I begin?"

"I will help you," she said. "You're friend, describe him to me."

"He is no friend of mine. His name is--"

"Ah," she interrupted. "Remember what I said about names having no meaning. And don't even try describing what he looks like. I've seen hundreds of thousands of people come down here. I can't distinguish one from another. Personality."

I think for a moment. What would be a fitting description?

"He's a rat bastard," I finally say.

"Oh, right. That's useful."

"Flirts with just about every woman he meets," I add.

She raises an eyebrow. This clearly isn't helping.

"Self centered, egotistic, sadistic bastard."

"You just described at least half the people here. And out of curiosity, if you hate him so much, why are you here?"

"So I can kill him myself. He's proud. He fights for what he believes in. He's a good person. When it suits him."

"Loyal?" she asks.

"As a dog," I reply. "Again, when it suits him."

"I may know who you are looking for," she smiles. "Follow me."

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"There are many different sorts of places within the Summerland. The lower region houses three types of people. Those who believe they have done wrong; believe that they deserve to be punished. Then there those who truly have done something wrong and do deserve to be punished. The last and lowest level is the special hell. Reserved for child molesters and people who talk in movie theaters. What?" she asked when I gave her a funny look. "We have to have some fun around here. Everyone's dead!"

I roll my eyes.

"Here we are," she says.

"What?" I ask.

"We're going to enter this cave. Inside is your friend--"

"Not my friend."

"Okay, if you say so. He is inside. This is the first level of hell. He truly believes he has done something to deserve it. His mind chooses what sort of torture he goes through. I must warn you, you might not like what you see in there. I honestly do not know what we will find."

I nod. "Let's go."

One second we are walking through the fog into the cave. Then, suddenly, we are in Grimmauld place. In the room I recognize as Black's.

"Little freak," a woman hisses at the boy sitting in the corner. I recognize the woman as Mrs. Black and the boy is Sirius. He couldn't be more than 10 or 11.

"You disgrace this family," she spits. "Lucky we still have your brother to make up for your foolishness."

I take a step forward, but a hand stops me.

I turn back to the Gatekeeper as the scene changes.

"You must wait. He is reliving many memories. Only one touches his core. You must figure out which, or you will never leave. Not with him anyway."

So I stand back and watch as he relieves so painful memories.

"How will I know?" I ask.

"You will know," she says.

_**Use me as you will  
**__**Pull my strings just for a thrill  
**__**And I know I'll be ok  
**__**Though my skies are turning gray**_

--

FLASHBACK

_Your hands caress her back and your lips meet hers._

_You don't realize that I'm there. You don't know that I see._

_But here I am._

_Watching as you kiss her._

_You think I won't find out._

_You tell her that it must be kept a secret._

_That no one can ever know._

_Well, they won't._

_And you'll never know how I knew._

_You'll think she told me._

_She didn't have to._

_Because I saw._

_I saw what your promises are worth._

_And I know now._

_You're words mean nothing._

_I mean nothing._

END FLASHBACK

--

The scene changed several times. Black and Potter fighting back in 7th year. Black being screamed at by his parents. Being beaten by his father. Little fights we had had when we were young. Bigger fights we've had the past few year.

And then it changed again. Only this time it was different.

It was the biggest fight we had ever had.

"I'm sorry!" the 17 year old him shouts at the 17 year old me. "I'm sorry!"

"No you're not. You don't give a shit."

"You're wrong." But it doesn't end there. It should have. The other me had left the room, not caring what he had to say. But not this time. This time I stayed.

"I'm sorry!" he screamed, tears running down his face. "I never meant for this to happen."

"But it did," the other me spat. "You screwed up!"

"I know!" he screamed. "Just give me the chance to fix it!"

"Never," the younger me says. Then suddenly there are more. A dozen Severus Snape's all standing there taunting Sirius Black, who is huddled up in the corner of the room.

And for a second, they aren't kids anymore. A flash you could have missed if you blinked, the adult Sirius Black was standing, angry, hurt tears running down his face.

"That's him," I hiss, walking towards him.

"You must be sure," the Gatekeeper warns.

"I am," I say. With each step I take, the boy flinches away.

"Get up Black," I hiss. "Get up you lazy, ungrateful excuse for a human being."

"I don't think that will help," the Gatekeeper points out, still standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," Black mutters.

"Black, get up now. This is real. I'm getting you out of here," I say.

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

p alignleft Black looks up at me, tears running down his face.

"Come on," I say, reaching my hand down to him.

I'm almost surprised when he takes my hand and pulls himself up. Only, when he reaches eye-level with me, he is no longer a boy, but a fully grown, albeit ragged, Sirius Black.

"Let's get out of this freakish place," I say, leading him out the door.

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

It takes much longer to get back to the Gateway than it did to get to the cave. The walk is in complete silence and when we finally do reach the Gateway, the fog around me has almost completely cleared.

"I wish the both of you good luck," the Gatekeeper says, opening the Gateway that leads home. Black steps into it first.

"Severus," the Gatekeeper says, just before I step through.

"Yes Cora?" I say, turning back to her.

She smiles. "You knew all along, didn't you?"

"Suspected," I say. "It's the way you say my name that gave it all away."

"Here," she says, holding something out to me.

"What is it?" I ask as I reach for it. She doesn't answer, just drops it into my outstretched hand. I look down at it. A sliver chain with a square black stone dangling from the end. Etched into it is a symbol I had seen before, but never knew the meaning of.

"Give it to my Luna," she says. "And promise me you will work everything out."

I say nothing, knowing that it would be an empty promise. Instead I just smile at her sadly and step through the archway.

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

"You saved my life," Black says as I walk past him and out the door.

"Only so I could kill you," I reply.

"I don't buy that."

"I don't care if you do or not. It's true."

"See, the way I see it, you still care."

"You're delusional."

"That is a very real possibility. It doesn't change the fact that you saved me."

"Shut up before I turn around and shove you back down there."

"You wouldn't. You just risked you're life to save me. I think we still have a chance."

"You're mistaken. Our chance died a long time ago."

"I don't believe that."

"In case you have forgotten, you're the one that killed it."

"You still love me," He says, grinning madly.

"In your dreams Black."

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to heaven **_

I know I can't hide the tears that are about to fall.

Not from myself.

But I can hide them from him.

And that's enough.

_**I will never let you fall  
**__**I'll stand up with you forever  
**__**I'll be there for you through it all  
**__**Even if saving you sends me to Heaven**_

_**The End

* * *

**_

Oh yes, I am horrible. I guess this just didn't deserve a happy ending. I might continue it because... well... I want to. I just don't know yet.

Reviews are purdy

♥Ella


End file.
